Well it has been 8 months since my mom died. I still can’t believe it. Every single day she is on my mind and living thousands of miles away can often feel like millions. I know this is where we are supposed to be but there is a hole in my heart that just doesn’t seem to be refilled. Today was a rough day. I lost it and had to shut the door so Janessa and our teammate wouldn’t have to mess with it all. I held our boy remembering how much mom asked questions about him and how much she wanted to meet him. I don’t understand it all and probably never will but today was a rough one.

I’m reminded of Jesus’ words as I type in commanding that we cast all our burdens on him. That is such a balancing act with the loss of a mother. What you probably need to do most in these moments is give your cares to God and keep moving on with your day. That just feels like mom is in the back of the pick-up truck and I have completely forgotten about her. There has to be a better way – to remember and still be in relationship with my mom while not getting overwhelmed all the time with the huge loss. I still haven’t found that balance so much. Maybe there isn’t one. All I know to do is to tell God my cares, lay them before Him, and cherish those around me. The gaping hole is still there though and you just move on.

A friend and teammate of mine sent an email not very many weeks after mom had passed away. My teammate had lost her mom in a traffic accident a few years ago and is no stranger to this valley. She said that, in the early days, you just sit there staring straight ahead wondering what in the hell just happened. You realize that the only one on this earth that could probably help you through the mess is the very person who is gone. You look around the house and see their stuff still strewn about and it is like they are still alive but they are gone. People tend to grieve with you for a few days and then they go on with their lives too. Still you are sitting there staring straight ahead, often picking up the phone to give a call to your dead mom.

My friend went on to say in the email it is like you have a limb removed and that loss is a permanent reminder of what just happened. You are never the same again but you learn to function in this life with the missing part of your body. Sudden loss is kind of like that. It is final. It is done and all the moments that you’ve had with that person are it. Hope you have a good memory or at least lots of pictures.

This is not to minimize the eternal glory that we have with Christ in the age to come. I don’t doubt for a second the beautiful Kingdom to which my mom has now entered. I too long to be with Jesus forever, enjoying the fellowship and deep love of the Trinity. All these things are just as real as the pain I’m experiencing today. But somehow, today, the grief feels a whole lot stronger than even the presence of God. I know that isn’t true and even in this deep sorrow, the presence of the Lord is here.

So here we go again. .. . attempting to let the Lord take over as I cast my cares, my burdens on Him. Just a word to the wise . . . stay present with people in the valley. They need you to walk with them even if they act like they don’t. So thankful for the 2 or 3 people in my life that have entered the valley where I am and are walking together with me.